Update...

It has been a while. 
I haven't been journaling as it doesn't go down well but things have been as usual- up and down.


We have been on holidays, hence the gap. We had such a great time in each other's company, relaxing in the sun, eating & enjoying life. Of course we had our moments but I think we were making extra effort what with being away.
The one big fight we had was when I confused directions and we didn't go where we'd planned to go. When N apologised for freaking out I reminded him that it's not OK to act like that. I didn't quote the "is it loving?" that we learned at our last session but I hope he processed it afterwards. At the time he felt he was right but hopefully he looked back and remembered "it's not about right or wrong, black or white, but is it loving? Or not".


The holiday was a little scary for me, despite being the holiday of a lifetime! 90% was perfect, peaceful, full of love and light. I was scared by the moments when I thought "I don't care", the moments when I could envision a time that my love for my husband fades. I am praying it never never diminishes.


When we got home he met up with our pastor who had asked him how we are getting on a few weeks ago. He told me he felt crowded and intruded on by him asking and he wanted to set him straight and tell him it's none of his business. Of course the last time I met with S she said she's be advising our pastor to check in with N and I said I appreciated it. We are grateful for people that care about us.
Afterwards I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he asked me what I thought. I said I guessed it was nice that he cared. I could tell he was still a bit worked up, inside himself, I was lying with him and his heart was beating so fast. After a while he said he was asked if I was afraid of him, likeI seemed like I was once. I said I couldn't remember and he told me he never wants me to be. I cried. I didn't say I was because I didn't want to fight, but he held me. I could feel it in him that he was really hurt... by himself. Like he had never thought of that before. I've told him in the past but I know he thought I was being ridiculous. It really helped. We really connected. 


I had been praying a few minutes beforehand and it was like an immediate answer. God is so good. Our greatest moments of connection and change have come with prayer. Praise the Lord.


I am loved.

A new time?

So we went to our marriage counsellor and I don't imagine we'll go back. We have explored that avenue and I think we have reached a dead end.


We went holding hands, fought all the way through about tiny things that she asked us to relive. But I kept saying I didn't care about the little things. I will say sorry if I'm wrong or hurtful but it's the blowups that we need to work on. We learned some good stuff though. Most noteably:

IT'S NOT ABOUT "RIGHT" AND "WRONG", IT'S ABOUT LOVING OR NOT LOVING.

And I learned that when Noel shuts down the best thing to do is leave the room. I like that, it gives me something I can DO, that's proactive, something I can focus on and work towards.

She also told us that she thinks we think we love each other, but isn't confined we really do. She recommended putting a time frame on working things through and that if we're still not there we should go our separate ways or we'll never be happy. That's where she lost me. I will never break my promise to both God and my husband that I am in this for better or worse, for life.

Noel walked out at the end and she asked me to stay. She said that if he doesn't stop shutting down this will be a lonely marriage. I wish she'd be honest to both of us. Call him on stuff. But I told her where I stand on marriage and I told her how amazing a couple we are when things are good, how encouraging and supportive we are with one another and how much love there is. But it's ok, she doesn't have to understand us.

When I went out to the car we drove around the corner, held each other, apologised and I cried my eyes out. I told N that I am going no where no matter what. We said sorry for so many things and he promised and promised to try harder. I believe him and I truly believe that he loves me and wants to be a better husband.

He admitted that to him it's all about right & wrong, black & white and self-preservation. He says he wants to change that. And now I have my leave-the-room strategy. Maybe these are new times, maybe not.

Tonight the house is all candlelight and the smells of my beloved cooking me dinner.

I have hope and I am loved.

Under the carpet...

We had a huge fight by text when we were both at work. Not a good idea in theory and it included my crying silently at my desk hiding behind my partition.
But as much as I wanted to ask N not to do this at work, it was easier by text than at home.
It ended at an impasse, as it always does. Me saying I don't hurt him on purpose & I love him. Him saying I'm a horrible b*tch.


So when we got home, and things were an unbearable mess, we did what we do best. Faked it. I made him dinner. He was happy and we talked about work, curled up together and watched a movie.


But he didn't have to. He didn't have to thank me and he didn't have to spend time with me. We genuinely both love each other and it is all os inexplicable. We are going to our marriage counsellor together tonight. I'm nervous because we both like this bit, where we stop fighting for no reason and love each other and although I need this so much I don;t want to bring anything difficult up.


So I'm going to have a read through my posts and formulate some thoughts. 

An encouragement...

S gave this to me last week, as she read it and thought of me. Sometimes it feels like God is speaking right to me and sometimes it feels like that can't be possible. Either way I meant to upload it as an encouragement: Are you thinking of quitting? You believed you could make a difference until they poured criticism and cold water on you. At that point you decided it was easier to adjust your expectations to their opinion and just keep smiling. Don't do it; God has too much invested in you! The comfort zone is for those who are exempt from pain but denied progress; protected from failure but held in the grip of mediocrity. Get up and get out of there while you still can: '...Strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die...' (Revelation 3:2 NKJV). Open your Bible and begin to fill your mind with God's promises; they're powerful motivators. Pray, believing God for great things. Plug in at church. Rekindle your desire, for ultimately that's what determines your destiny! Jesus suffered the loss of His disciples, His friends, and even His clothes (John 19:23-24). But they couldn't rob Him of '...the joy that was set before him...' (Hebrews 12:2 NKJV). Even while He was dying He continued to minister. Then He went into hell, came out with the lock and keys and announced, 'I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore...' (Revelation 1:18 NKJV). And He is your example! When Gideon fought the Midianites we read that he '...came to the Jordan, he and the three hundred men who were with him crossed over, exhausted but still in pursuit'. Because Gideon refused to let the Jordan River intimidate him, or fatigue stop him, God gave him a great victory! And He will do the same for you.

Not even a year...

I can't believe this is our life.
I can't believe this is our marriage.


It feels like a nightmare. Like nothing can really be this awful. He truly believes that I am hateful and evil and manipulative and out to get him.


If only he knew how much I love him and care about him and respect him. If only he could see my heart. 
I don;t know where to go from here.

New lows...

A friend came back from a long trip abroad and we caught up last night. I didn't mind it getting late because I wanted to get home after N was asleep so we wouldn't fight.


We were both home earlier in the day because neither of us could face work. The only interaction we had was me asking if he was talking to me and him saying no.


When I got home it was after midnight, closer to 1am and he freaked. He had texted to ask if I was coming home and I had said yes. But he freaked that I had stayed out so late. I really didn't want a fight but he was shouting and cold and angry.


And then he went out onto the balcony to smoke. This is a big deal. My husband hasn't smoke in over 10 years. He has bad asthma and hates cigarettes and being around any smoking at all. I was so shocked. I still am. This is a huge cry for help and I told him that. I told him he's better than that. I can't tell if it's more of a self harm thing or him trying to hurt me. He thought when I stayed in the hotel I was getting drunk because I did get drunk once before our wedding when I hit a really low point.


I've no idea what to do now but I a seeing our marriage counsellor on Friday. I am worried.
Honestly, N was an alcoholic. Well, he is I guess but it is over 10 years since he has touched a drink also. I know he has an addictive personality and I know that this one cigarette could be a way bigger issue than it would be if I had one. I don't know why he did this.

An unhappy ending...

So he left the house and all I could think was I cannot stay here any longer. It felt so heavy, so awful. I felt sick and a mess.
I packed a bag. But I knew I could never go. I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY HUSBAND. I made a promise and if he is to believe in how much I love him then he needs to be able to trust me. And that is the biggest hurdle we face everyday already.
I will never let him down like that or even threaten to. It is a step too far.


But the weight of that house, the thoughts of lying in bed when he sleeps in the spare room again was too much. My stomach felt like lead for the 100th time and I COULDN"T TAKE IT.


I left last night for me. I left a long note about how much I love him and know he needs space and know I need to get space. I told him how I wasn't sure I could believe that he loves me. I came to a hotel where I am now. I painted my nails and let the space lighten my head and heart. The view of the sea is glorious but it means nothing when I can't share it with the man I love.


I don't feel much better but he called last night and I told him where I was if he wants me. I told him I love him. He hung up. I feel better being here and knowing that he knows it's temporary and for me, that I would never leave him.


I'm not sure where I go from here but I'm glad I did this.