My husband is a wonderful man. I neglect to mention that. He is remarkable.
He is patient, he is kind, he is loving, gentle, caring, funny & self-sacrificing. He is a gentleman, sensitive, wise and a good listener. He is supportive, generous, helpful, encouraging and he puts others first.
He has time for everyone and he is a hard worker. He is gorgeous and he is Godly.
He is inspirational and admirable.
I love him so much and would do absolutely anything for him.
I am so blessed to know him and to feel his love :)
Sunday, 21 August 2011
Thursday, 18 August 2011
Do I look for problems??
We are in a good place again. A peaceful place, full of cuddles :)
SO I wonder why I find myself moving on to the next issue mentally. We are not fighting and I think I should probably just be grateful and be happy. And of course I am, but I think the fact that we still only make love once a week is a glaring unspoken issue.
I haven't brought it up in the last few months because when I did, a while back, N got angry and we never talked about it properly. Every night I drop a hint or make a move but he is tired, or not tired enough, or needs to read or just makes an excuse to get up for a minute. Either way, it's a no. Part of me thinks he doesn't actually notice but then when the once a week comes around there a niggling feeling that he's just getting it over with or making me happy.
Is it a hierarchy of needs situation? Where when one issue is solved, the next greatest one steps up to the plate?
I think I should just decide to be happy, but I'm not putting the silky nighties away just yet :)
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
Talking to someone...
I went over to S's today. She and her husband did our pre-marriage course with us and I've known her for 15 years. They go to our church.
I remember when N & I started seeing a therapist I was so scared because talking about my feelings does not come naturally at all. All I have to do is say I've had a bad day to get me crying. I chose never to open up. N was really the first person I really opened up to fully.
So it is strange now to have gone to someone I've known for years and to finally let them know the real me. And I didn't even cry once. It's a good thing because everyone needs to be able to talk to someone but it's also sad that I've been doing it so much lately. But lets focus on the positive. God uses everything!
So we talked for hours, a lot about life and a lot about my marriage. She's a good listener and wise too.
She talked about how she can see that God put me in N's life for a reason, to help him. That made me feel a lot better and gave me some hope. Hope that this isn't all just in vain.
But she also talked about "tough love" and that something needs to change. I agree that something needs to change and I often think of talking a week away so he can think. She suggested the same thing. She thinks that it would help N to see that I am serious about there needing to be some big changes and that the abuse has to stop.
But I made a promise to my HUSBAND that I would never, ever leave him and I think that it would be wrong to. I'm not just chickening out either! I know that something needs to happen for the message to get through to him for real, but I think that leaving would make him feel abandoned and would prevent him from trusting me in the future. And he finds that difficult enough as it is.
I love him so much, this "tough love" doesn't feel very loving. YET, I want to do the best for N and to help him and I know I need to do something.
I have said that I'll meet with our marriage counsellor alone and get her advice...
I remember when N & I started seeing a therapist I was so scared because talking about my feelings does not come naturally at all. All I have to do is say I've had a bad day to get me crying. I chose never to open up. N was really the first person I really opened up to fully.
So it is strange now to have gone to someone I've known for years and to finally let them know the real me. And I didn't even cry once. It's a good thing because everyone needs to be able to talk to someone but it's also sad that I've been doing it so much lately. But lets focus on the positive. God uses everything!
So we talked for hours, a lot about life and a lot about my marriage. She's a good listener and wise too.
She talked about how she can see that God put me in N's life for a reason, to help him. That made me feel a lot better and gave me some hope. Hope that this isn't all just in vain.
But she also talked about "tough love" and that something needs to change. I agree that something needs to change and I often think of talking a week away so he can think. She suggested the same thing. She thinks that it would help N to see that I am serious about there needing to be some big changes and that the abuse has to stop.
But I made a promise to my HUSBAND that I would never, ever leave him and I think that it would be wrong to. I'm not just chickening out either! I know that something needs to happen for the message to get through to him for real, but I think that leaving would make him feel abandoned and would prevent him from trusting me in the future. And he finds that difficult enough as it is.
I love him so much, this "tough love" doesn't feel very loving. YET, I want to do the best for N and to help him and I know I need to do something.
I have said that I'll meet with our marriage counsellor alone and get her advice...
Friday, 12 August 2011
Stress...
I went to the doctor today and explained that I had thought I'd had a throat infection and hadn't been able to eat, and the temperature and everything.
She had a look and confirmed the stress theory.
The poor woman, I cried my eyes out in her office! I told her I wasn't coping and she gave me three days off work. That makes me feel so much better. Like I have some time to breathe. She told me I need to talk to someone so it's not all in my head and I told her I've arranged to see our pre-marriage counsellor.
I really feel like I should leave my job. I can't fight the battles I need to fight there when I'm so low and I can't face all of my meetings and all of the people I need to talk to. I can't focus and I know they need someone in this role who can.
Or maybe I could work part time? I think I could get things done and if I only had to go in 2 or three days I think I could cope.
Either way I know I shouldn't make that decision right now.
She had a look and confirmed the stress theory.
The poor woman, I cried my eyes out in her office! I told her I wasn't coping and she gave me three days off work. That makes me feel so much better. Like I have some time to breathe. She told me I need to talk to someone so it's not all in my head and I told her I've arranged to see our pre-marriage counsellor.
I really feel like I should leave my job. I can't fight the battles I need to fight there when I'm so low and I can't face all of my meetings and all of the people I need to talk to. I can't focus and I know they need someone in this role who can.
Or maybe I could work part time? I think I could get things done and if I only had to go in 2 or three days I think I could cope.
Either way I know I shouldn't make that decision right now.
Thursday, 11 August 2011
Back in Black...
Today was beautiful.
I'm not sure where it all went wrong.
I was annoying. I guess that's where. I wanted sex, no surprise there- so I hinted at it, as I do, but N wasn't up for it, no surprise there either. So I was restless and went to check my emails so I wouldn't get too annoying! But N was offended that I didn't stay watching TV with him. He looked sad so I got up and went to hang out with him. But he doubled back and went on the computer. That's when I got annoying! I should have left him alone to be offended and get over it but I mentioned that he had checked his emails for an hour half an hour ago and asked if he was just getting back at me. It went from there. I take responsibility. I shouldn't have started anything.
Tonight he used the words "evil" and "ugly" for the first time.
He left the house. It got so heated, so awful. Maybe the worst yet. I feel like it's all a nightmare. How does it go downhill so fast!? It takes days to build a wall but moments to knock it. I feel like this isn't really happening.
I sat for a while crying and thinking. Then I emailed in sick to work tomorrow.
I've been feeling so off my game, like I'm never really there. They deserve someone so much better. I feel like a waster. I do not feel like I can go in there tomorrow.
I also left a message to see the doctor tomorrow. I thought I had a throat infection all weekend anyway but now my right eye is twitching and my left one is swollen. It all points towards stress again. I hope I can get a few days off. Or something that can help me get through all of this. There must be something I can take.
...I knew it was the right thing to call N on the abuse, but now it's worse than ever.
Biblically, aren't you supposed to bring witnesses when you call someone on something and they don;t listen? But does that apply in marriage? It seems more like betrayal.
I'm going to talk with the wife of the couple who did our pre-marriage course with us. They go to our church and have offered us their support many times. I hope she and our therapist can give me some advice.
I WISH I COULD HOLD HIM TONIGHT. I MISS MY HUSBAND.
I begged him not to ignore me, I reminded him that he said he's try. But nothing gets through his brick walls.
He says it's my fault. I begged for forgiveness. He says he hates me.
I'm not sure where it all went wrong.
I was annoying. I guess that's where. I wanted sex, no surprise there- so I hinted at it, as I do, but N wasn't up for it, no surprise there either. So I was restless and went to check my emails so I wouldn't get too annoying! But N was offended that I didn't stay watching TV with him. He looked sad so I got up and went to hang out with him. But he doubled back and went on the computer. That's when I got annoying! I should have left him alone to be offended and get over it but I mentioned that he had checked his emails for an hour half an hour ago and asked if he was just getting back at me. It went from there. I take responsibility. I shouldn't have started anything.
Tonight he used the words "evil" and "ugly" for the first time.
He left the house. It got so heated, so awful. Maybe the worst yet. I feel like it's all a nightmare. How does it go downhill so fast!? It takes days to build a wall but moments to knock it. I feel like this isn't really happening.
I've been feeling so off my game, like I'm never really there. They deserve someone so much better. I feel like a waster. I do not feel like I can go in there tomorrow.
I also left a message to see the doctor tomorrow. I thought I had a throat infection all weekend anyway but now my right eye is twitching and my left one is swollen. It all points towards stress again. I hope I can get a few days off. Or something that can help me get through all of this. There must be something I can take.
...I knew it was the right thing to call N on the abuse, but now it's worse than ever.
Biblically, aren't you supposed to bring witnesses when you call someone on something and they don;t listen? But does that apply in marriage? It seems more like betrayal.
I'm going to talk with the wife of the couple who did our pre-marriage course with us. They go to our church and have offered us their support many times. I hope she and our therapist can give me some advice.
I WISH I COULD HOLD HIM TONIGHT. I MISS MY HUSBAND.
I begged him not to ignore me, I reminded him that he said he's try. But nothing gets through his brick walls.
He says it's my fault. I begged for forgiveness. He says he hates me.
Naming it...
I SO badly wanted to say nothing! We were having so much fun. Trips to the beach, games, walks, great meals cooked together. Things were good.
All day Saturday I looked for a "good time" to bring things up but there wasn't one. I would have been spoiling the beautiful day we were enjoying in each others company.
But before we went to bed I just had to get it out there. I KNEW it was the right thing.
So I said that I didn't want to upset things but that if I didn't say something I'd be letting us both down. I was nervous and babbling a bit. But I said that N, you have been emotionally abusive and it is not ok and we have to change things.
As imagined, it didn't go well. He was annoyed at me for disturbing him and I ended up sitting on our bed crying, cursing God for putting it on my heart to say something.
But... somehow we ended up sitting on the floor in the hallway talking. He explained how unhelpful and crappy I can be in an argument and I listened. I told him how badly I feel and how I hate myself when I hear myself being sarcastic or mean. And I do hate it so much. I never, ever, ever want to hurt him, ever. And I tell him that. But I do hurt him and that sucks.
He allowed me time to explain what emotional abuse is. The names, the belittling, the control.
He says he sees it and he understands! He says he is sorry and didn't realise that I've been so sad for so long.
We back and forth'd a bit and I told him that I would not take the blame for his actions and things had to change.
EUREKA!!!!
We agreed to keep seeing our therapist.
He says he wishes he had never called me any names.
He says he loves me and we still have something special.
I had hope. Not of it all being perfect immediately, like I used to, but realistic hope. Hope of change. :)
A week later...
We didn't talk for the week. It's getting longer every time.
On Wednesday I apologised for not believing him about the dishwasher. Ok, it doesn't make sense to me but I need to trust my husband. He didn't accept.
At some point on Friday our eyes met again and we smiled. We went back to being normal.
That's what always happens. It's glorious, like all of the clouds in the world suddenly evaporate and I can breathe again. I cried. We held each other.
But it's wrong. I am often wrong, I can be a real bit*h and sarcastic and it's mean. But this pretending everything is fine is not good for us. It feels amazing but it's not fair on the relationship. We need to address things and not repeat this up/ down cycle of mayhem.
I've been so mad at God for all of this. I am mad. But it has been through prayer, fasting and listening to God that I realised that this is abusive. And I need to choose not to be a victim.
I need to say something!
On Wednesday I apologised for not believing him about the dishwasher. Ok, it doesn't make sense to me but I need to trust my husband. He didn't accept.
At some point on Friday our eyes met again and we smiled. We went back to being normal.
That's what always happens. It's glorious, like all of the clouds in the world suddenly evaporate and I can breathe again. I cried. We held each other.
But it's wrong. I am often wrong, I can be a real bit*h and sarcastic and it's mean. But this pretending everything is fine is not good for us. It feels amazing but it's not fair on the relationship. We need to address things and not repeat this up/ down cycle of mayhem.
I've been so mad at God for all of this. I am mad. But it has been through prayer, fasting and listening to God that I realised that this is abusive. And I need to choose not to be a victim.
I need to say something!
Disaster
To explain, yesterday we had another talk. We fought last weekend, he was probably stressed about people coming to ours for dinner. I asked if the dishwasher was done because the plates looked clean but the bowls seemed dirty (sometimes it doesn't work so well).
He said he didn't know and I was annoyed because it's the only job he does around the house regularly so I don't think he could have forgotten. Or he could have checked. But he got annoyed too and we didn't handle it well.
I came across as disrespectful, I understand that. And so he came into the bedroom after me shouting. I said I wouldn't listen to shouting but that angered him more. I should have apologised for not believing him but I guess I was still annoyed and not really believing him.
He told me to get out so I did. I din't take anything but my keys. I went for a drive and came back after 45 mins because I needed to put the dinner on. When I got in he had cancelled and was annoyed at me for bailing on him. We didn't talk...
He said he didn't know and I was annoyed because it's the only job he does around the house regularly so I don't think he could have forgotten. Or he could have checked. But he got annoyed too and we didn't handle it well.
I came across as disrespectful, I understand that. And so he came into the bedroom after me shouting. I said I wouldn't listen to shouting but that angered him more. I should have apologised for not believing him but I guess I was still annoyed and not really believing him.
He told me to get out so I did. I din't take anything but my keys. I went for a drive and came back after 45 mins because I needed to put the dinner on. When I got in he had cancelled and was annoyed at me for bailing on him. We didn't talk...
How does it get like this?!
I can't take it any more!
We've been here before but every time it's worse. It's abuse. I know that now.
He's in our spare room, playing tetris music because it drives me mad. He was shouting and I told him that dispite all of this insanity I love him, admire him and think he's amazing. This is all rubbish but he trully is amazing.
He says I suck.
He is a shining light in all he does. He brings hope to people. His love is so warm, so comforting. But then he switches off the sunshine again and leaves me in the dark until I genuinely feel I will die.
We've been here before but every time it's worse. It's abuse. I know that now.
He's in our spare room, playing tetris music because it drives me mad. He was shouting and I told him that dispite all of this insanity I love him, admire him and think he's amazing. This is all rubbish but he trully is amazing.
He says I suck.
He is a shining light in all he does. He brings hope to people. His love is so warm, so comforting. But then he switches off the sunshine again and leaves me in the dark until I genuinely feel I will die.
Wednesday, 10 August 2011
My heart...
There is no place like my husbands arms.
When he holds me a thousand weights lift from my shoulders, the clouds clear and I feel peace.
I don't spend enough time talking about how I feel about him in my heart.
I love him more than words can ever say. Every minute. Even in our worst moments I stop to tell him that I think he is amazing and I love him. He can't always accept it but my heart loves him whether I even want to or not. And I thank God so much for that :)
He is patient, kind, gentle, generous, sweet, loving, caring, considerate, supportive, funny, Godly and tender.
He makes me laugh and he is spontaneous. We have so much fun together and he has opened my eyes to so much beauty in the world.
He can be the sweetest person alive and he's gorgeous!
His arms are my favourite place
Tuesday, 9 August 2011
Words scar eventually...
I don't feel like I deserve better.
I just feel rubbish honestly.
I feel like I am rubbish, that I'm sinful and don't deserve good things.
Part of me says "don't accept this trash, demand better, you're worth it!" But the other part asks why.
I know the things N calls me aren't true but I still feel dirty when he says them.
I try to convince myself that I'm wrong because if it's my fault I can apologise & fix things. But this is NOT ALL MY FAULT. I don't make him act like that.
He manipulates me until he gets his way. It's over when he says so. But I should't hand over my power. I have that choice and I want to keep it. I will not take the blame for his actions.
I just feel rubbish honestly.
I feel like I am rubbish, that I'm sinful and don't deserve good things.
Part of me says "don't accept this trash, demand better, you're worth it!" But the other part asks why.
I know the things N calls me aren't true but I still feel dirty when he says them.
I try to convince myself that I'm wrong because if it's my fault I can apologise & fix things. But this is NOT ALL MY FAULT. I don't make him act like that.
He manipulates me until he gets his way. It's over when he says so. But I should't hand over my power. I have that choice and I want to keep it. I will not take the blame for his actions.
Tuesday, 2 August 2011
July's Epiphany
This week was another major low.
I fasted and prayed and wrote. Here is what I wrote:
I fasted and prayed and wrote. Here is what I wrote:
You cannot shout at me
You cannot ignore me
You cannot call me names
You cannot insult my character with lies
You cannot be so hateful
You cannot kick me out and say I bailed
You cannot ignore me until you've convinced yourself it's all my fault
Nothing has changed
You still react with anger first
I cannot change you
I can only change myself
I will not shout back. I will never call names or ignore you.
I will not be rude to you.
I will not "forget" because you ignore me until my heart is broken and I let it go
I will expect better
I will not take the blame for you actions
I love you unconditionally
I respect you unconditionally
That is God given and will never change.
THIS IS EMOTIONAL ABUSE
9 months married...
Things have been really busy.
Work is hectic.
Things with N & I are the same. One step forward, 2 steps back.
Things are awful, things are heavenly... Things are diabolical, things are sunshine & lollypops...We are enemies ,we are each others greatest encouragement... up down, up, down.
I still feel like I can't function in work. Music still makes me cry. Bad days are killing me, good days are an instant cure.
I feel like he has the switch to the sunshine and he allows me just enough to keep me alive...
Work is hectic.
Things with N & I are the same. One step forward, 2 steps back.
Things are awful, things are heavenly... Things are diabolical, things are sunshine & lollypops...We are enemies ,we are each others greatest encouragement... up down, up, down.
I still feel like I can't function in work. Music still makes me cry. Bad days are killing me, good days are an instant cure.
I feel like he has the switch to the sunshine and he allows me just enough to keep me alive...
Keep learning...
We're not talking. Nothing new. He still shuts me out. We still fight all the time.
But I can learn, I want to change, I want to be a better wife.
In the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, it says that my husband cannot be responsible for both getting respect and loving unconditionally in the relationship, as I cannot either.
He must not have to get respect from me. It is my job to make sure he knows he has it.
I like that I have something I can DO. Something I can work on to feel proactive!
We learned in counselling also that we each are only responsible for our parts. We cannot make the other be better or different we can only make sure we are doing the right thing.
I guess that's why it was important for me to look at the names N called me and make sure that I was not those things.
But I can learn, I want to change, I want to be a better wife.
In the book Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs, it says that my husband cannot be responsible for both getting respect and loving unconditionally in the relationship, as I cannot either.
He must not have to get respect from me. It is my job to make sure he knows he has it.
I like that I have something I can DO. Something I can work on to feel proactive!
We learned in counselling also that we each are only responsible for our parts. We cannot make the other be better or different we can only make sure we are doing the right thing.
I guess that's why it was important for me to look at the names N called me and make sure that I was not those things.
We are called only to be obedient to God.
Learning...
This week in therapy I learned that I put pressure on N.
I had never thought of it that way, he feels pressure to show me love when I'm needy or I bring things up.
I must learn to trust in his love and not look for it or pressure him.
I have also been reading Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.
It's REALLY good. It talks about how men need respect the way women need love. It's how we're made. And like love is unconditional, so must respect be. No matter what.
That is a big lesson for me and I am excited. I want to show N that I respect him in everything
I had never thought of it that way, he feels pressure to show me love when I'm needy or I bring things up.
I must learn to trust in his love and not look for it or pressure him.
I have also been reading Love & Respect by Emerson Eggerichs.
It's REALLY good. It talks about how men need respect the way women need love. It's how we're made. And like love is unconditional, so must respect be. No matter what.
That is a big lesson for me and I am excited. I want to show N that I respect him in everything
Ephesians 5:33 The wife must respect her husband.
Keep holding on...
Yes, Avril Lavigne is my claim to shame musical love!
But I'm OK with it and I think the lyrics of "Keep Holding On" are like a love song between us & God. They give me hope when things are really low:
You're not alone, together we stand. I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand.
When it gets cold & it feels like the end, There's no place to go, you know I won't give in
Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through.
Just stay strong, 'Cause you know I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through
So far away, I wish you were here. Before it's too late this could all disappear.
Before the door's closed & it comes to an end With you by my side I will fight & defend
Hear me when I say when I say, I believe. Nothing's gonna change destiny.
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through.
Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.
But I'm OK with it and I think the lyrics of "Keep Holding On" are like a love song between us & God. They give me hope when things are really low:
You're not alone, together we stand. I'll be by your side, you know I'll take your hand.
When it gets cold & it feels like the end, There's no place to go, you know I won't give in
Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through.
Just stay strong, 'Cause you know I'm here for you
There's nothing you could say, nothing you could do. There's no other way when it comes to the truth
So keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through
So far away, I wish you were here. Before it's too late this could all disappear.
Before the door's closed & it comes to an end With you by my side I will fight & defend
Hear me when I say when I say, I believe. Nothing's gonna change destiny.
Whatever's meant to be will work out perfectly
Keep holding on, 'Cause you know we'll make it through.
Just stay strong 'Cause you know I'm here for you, I'm here for you.
Good times
There are good times and I don't mean to ignore them.
We feed the goats in the park near our house, we take walks. I took up running and he told me he was proud of me.
We watch tv all snuggled up. We watched all of The Wire and we rent movies. We love popcorn, chocolate and ice-cream.
We talk about our days and if we have fought we sometimes catch up on the whole week. We love to go for dinner. We never talk about sadness or bad times. We visit our parents, he is kind to my mother.
We love the theatre and movies and trips and he is spontaneous, inventive and surprising.
We spend time with friends and we laugh a lot. We cook meals together and we are madly, sickeningly in love.
We sometimes read together and we sometimes pray together.
They are the best of times.
We feed the goats in the park near our house, we take walks. I took up running and he told me he was proud of me.
We watch tv all snuggled up. We watched all of The Wire and we rent movies. We love popcorn, chocolate and ice-cream.
We talk about our days and if we have fought we sometimes catch up on the whole week. We love to go for dinner. We never talk about sadness or bad times. We visit our parents, he is kind to my mother.
We love the theatre and movies and trips and he is spontaneous, inventive and surprising.
We spend time with friends and we laugh a lot. We cook meals together and we are madly, sickeningly in love.
We sometimes read together and we sometimes pray together.
They are the best of times.
Our 6 month anniversary
N cooked me dinner!
He got me a card and flowers.
The house was candles and music and romance!
I didn't know what to do! We hugged and danced and felt so much love together.
He is a wonderful man and I have never said otherwise. Our marriage is a mess. We are a mess but when things are good they are pure and beautiful and perfect.
He is loving and tender and caring and kind and gentle and funny. And I love him and I will never stop. I know who he is inside.
And there are good times, I just write less during them!
Song of Solomon 2:3-6 I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.
He got me a card and flowers.
The house was candles and music and romance!
I didn't know what to do! We hugged and danced and felt so much love together.
He is a wonderful man and I have never said otherwise. Our marriage is a mess. We are a mess but when things are good they are pure and beautiful and perfect.
He is loving and tender and caring and kind and gentle and funny. And I love him and I will never stop. I know who he is inside.
And there are good times, I just write less during them!
Song of Solomon 2:3-6 I delight to sit in his shade, and his fruit is sweet to my taste. Let him lead me to the banquet hall, and let his banner over me be love. Strengthen me with raisins, refresh me with apples, for I am faint with love. His left arm is under my head, and his right arm embraces me.
Where did the hope go...
Today at counselling our therapist said that really love puts the other person first.
N admitted that in that case he didn't know love for me.
I think she has lost hope for us. We are at an impasse.
We have nothing else to say.
I can only cry.
I couldn't speak, I cried for the entire hour and he refused to look at me. He said he didn't care. In a way it's good because it's what it's like at home. He tells me to shut up when I cry and it gets madder and madder.
It was real. It was honest. It was us.
N admitted that in that case he didn't know love for me.
I think she has lost hope for us. We are at an impasse.
We have nothing else to say.
I can only cry.
I couldn't speak, I cried for the entire hour and he refused to look at me. He said he didn't care. In a way it's good because it's what it's like at home. He tells me to shut up when I cry and it gets madder and madder.
It was real. It was honest. It was us.
Why?
A while ago I said I knew god could use all of this for good.
So why is it happening. Why are we still fighting? Why has this gone on until I have reached breaking point so many times?
God has definitely taught me to depend only on him. Maybe that's why?
I didn't think I'd make it back when I was at my lowest. Part of me didn't want to be alive. I thought I couldn't go on. My body was almost failing.
I HAVE to trust God.
N doesn't see that he starts the madness
Every time I say I'll wait until he does
But I give in and pretend everything is fine as soon as he even smiles, as soon as I catch the slightest glimpse that my husband is in there.
But he has to learn.
What do I do?!
So why is it happening. Why are we still fighting? Why has this gone on until I have reached breaking point so many times?
God has definitely taught me to depend only on him. Maybe that's why?
I didn't think I'd make it back when I was at my lowest. Part of me didn't want to be alive. I thought I couldn't go on. My body was almost failing.
I HAVE to trust God.
N doesn't see that he starts the madness
Every time I say I'll wait until he does
But I give in and pretend everything is fine as soon as he even smiles, as soon as I catch the slightest glimpse that my husband is in there.
But he has to learn.
What do I do?!
The other side?
I feel like I am on the other side of what ever that was.
That I am seeing hope again and that I don;t cry every day. I feel like I want to live again.
From this side, I may have had a nervous break down, the panic attacks, the stress, the depression, the fear, the endless tears.
I have taken up baking so I won't be so annoying! Ha! But it gives me something to do so I'll give N more alone time. And he also loves eating my baking afterwards :)
I am still sucking at work. I barely focus and I have no passion for the job I was made for.
But things could get better. We are learning and we can change.
I want so much to change, to be better. To grow.
And God is on my side when I feel like I have an enemy and not a husband. He is on both of our sides.
I have this stuck on my side of the bed so I will wake up to it every single day:
I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.- Psalm 16:8
That I am seeing hope again and that I don;t cry every day. I feel like I want to live again.
From this side, I may have had a nervous break down, the panic attacks, the stress, the depression, the fear, the endless tears.
I have taken up baking so I won't be so annoying! Ha! But it gives me something to do so I'll give N more alone time. And he also loves eating my baking afterwards :)
I am still sucking at work. I barely focus and I have no passion for the job I was made for.
But things could get better. We are learning and we can change.
I want so much to change, to be better. To grow.
And God is on my side when I feel like I have an enemy and not a husband. He is on both of our sides.
I have this stuck on my side of the bed so I will wake up to it every single day:
I know the Lord is always with me. I will not be shaken for he is right beside me.- Psalm 16:8
5 months married...
Honestly, I just miss my husband
I wish I could text him
I wish I could call for a chat
I wish I could text him
I wish I could call for a chat
The Crazy Cycle
We have learned about "The Crazy Cycle" in therapy.
Basically it's a cycle of four steps where if none of the steps are stopped the fight won't stop either.
1. He misinterprets & feels disrespected
2. He gets angry & shuts off
3. I get needy and provoke him so he'll engage with me
4. It makes him angry
It is good to learn and try to do better.
Basically it's a cycle of four steps where if none of the steps are stopped the fight won't stop either.
1. He misinterprets & feels disrespected
2. He gets angry & shuts off
3. I get needy and provoke him so he'll engage with me
4. It makes him angry
It is good to learn and try to do better.
Life words & death words
I have been writing down the names that N has called me. That seems so weird but I felt like I had to express them and get them out of my head.
Lots of them are just names but some are about who I am. I have looked at ones he calls me a lot and have been looking for the truth in them. Like selfish, self absorbed, attention seeking... I have been praying that God will make me less like those things.
I can see selfishness in me and times that I put myself first in life. The others seem so foreign to me but he says them so often.
He really thinks I am a psycho, freak, stupid, thick, weirdo. He stands by his words so I need to look at them. Am I calous, bitter, smarmy, petty and stubborn? Maybe. I'm really going to think about it...
Lots of them are just names but some are about who I am. I have looked at ones he calls me a lot and have been looking for the truth in them. Like selfish, self absorbed, attention seeking... I have been praying that God will make me less like those things.
I can see selfishness in me and times that I put myself first in life. The others seem so foreign to me but he says them so often.
He really thinks I am a psycho, freak, stupid, thick, weirdo. He stands by his words so I need to look at them. Am I calous, bitter, smarmy, petty and stubborn? Maybe. I'm really going to think about it...
Learning to listen...
We were given an exercise by our therapist.
We take turns listening to each other tell a story from our day or our lives. (We are starting with simple things like that until we are ready for deeper things). Then we repeat it back, ask if we've missed anything and if there is anything the person would like to add. It's good. It was hard at first, N didn't really want to do it and I was afraid to bring it up in case he'd be annoyed. But he seemed to come around and I feel special because N listens and I feel a closeness.
Today I brought it up and I started but N wasn't engaging, he was getting food and moving around. But we talked a bit about his work. When it was my turn he only remembered the gist so I explained more and we talked more.I stopped when he left the table to wait for him to come back and engage but he didn't he just went about his evening.
I feel like he doesn't really care and I feel rejected and hurt. I look forward to our next session on Monday, it gives me hope to know we have something to help us on the way.
We take turns listening to each other tell a story from our day or our lives. (We are starting with simple things like that until we are ready for deeper things). Then we repeat it back, ask if we've missed anything and if there is anything the person would like to add. It's good. It was hard at first, N didn't really want to do it and I was afraid to bring it up in case he'd be annoyed. But he seemed to come around and I feel special because N listens and I feel a closeness.
Today I brought it up and I started but N wasn't engaging, he was getting food and moving around. But we talked a bit about his work. When it was my turn he only remembered the gist so I explained more and we talked more.I stopped when he left the table to wait for him to come back and engage but he didn't he just went about his evening.
I feel like he doesn't really care and I feel rejected and hurt. I look forward to our next session on Monday, it gives me hope to know we have something to help us on the way.
4 months married...
We are still going to our counsellor, I think we might go for a long time, but that's good.
Every week we both talk and listen.
She gives us a lot of theory and explains why things happen. Usually we feel better afterwards even though we feel raw and exposed and tired. It's hard to go to work afterwards but we often have lunch and hang out afterwards.
Our fights haven't changed. But I have hope.
Every week we both talk and listen.
She gives us a lot of theory and explains why things happen. Usually we feel better afterwards even though we feel raw and exposed and tired. It's hard to go to work afterwards but we often have lunch and hang out afterwards.
Our fights haven't changed. But I have hope.
Couples counselling
We have started seeing a couples councillor.
She is good, she doesn't take sides. She lets us both talks and she listens. We talk about our fights and give our sides.
She was recommended by a friend of N's. He chose her which is good because it means he is more likely to stick with it. She is a Christian which is important to us because we are committed to staying together and she won't advise us to break up or anything hopefully!
When we go we feel better when we leave. We somehow feel more on each others side. It also feels proactive, hopeful, like the first step in a good direction.
She is good, she doesn't take sides. She lets us both talks and she listens. We talk about our fights and give our sides.
She was recommended by a friend of N's. He chose her which is good because it means he is more likely to stick with it. She is a Christian which is important to us because we are committed to staying together and she won't advise us to break up or anything hopefully!
When we go we feel better when we leave. We somehow feel more on each others side. It also feels proactive, hopeful, like the first step in a good direction.
Couples councelling
We have started seeing a couples councillor.
She is good, she doesn't take sides. She lets us both talks and she listens. We talk about our fights and give our sides.
She was recommended by a friend of N's. He chose her which is good because it means he is more likely to stick with it. She is a Christian which is important to us because we are committed to staying together and she won't advise us to break up or anything hopefully!
When we go we feel better when we leave. We somehow feel more on each others side. It also feels proactive, hopeful, like the first step in a good direction.
She is good, she doesn't take sides. She lets us both talks and she listens. We talk about our fights and give our sides.
She was recommended by a friend of N's. He chose her which is good because it means he is more likely to stick with it. She is a Christian which is important to us because we are committed to staying together and she won't advise us to break up or anything hopefully!
When we go we feel better when we leave. We somehow feel more on each others side. It also feels proactive, hopeful, like the first step in a good direction.
Emotional incontinence...
I made it a car journey with no tears. Every day going to and from work I cry. I can't remember the last time I didn't. I never used to cry, I realise now that my life has been happier than I even knew. I cried a couple of times, due to confrontation at work or home. But rarely.
I have stopped listening to music, at all, it makes my cry. Sometimes I listen to Christian worship music. Music hurts, silence hurts, numbness is less painful.
Anyway, I'm not sure I can truly say I believe in God's strength. Or maybe I went to far towards insanity. I have been crying for days, maybe weeks now. It feels hopeless, wretched, ugly.
N calls it me throwing tantrums.
Sometimes I can't breath and sometimes I can't stop the sobbing. I can't sleep and I can't talk. I cannot function and I don;t know what will happen.
I'm so scared, I'm on a tightrope and one word could make him shout and call me things. I cannot speak. I'll fall off. He says I have no spiritual life. I feel dead inside. I would like to be dead. I don't want to live any more.
I have stopped listening to music, at all, it makes my cry. Sometimes I listen to Christian worship music. Music hurts, silence hurts, numbness is less painful.
Anyway, I'm not sure I can truly say I believe in God's strength. Or maybe I went to far towards insanity. I have been crying for days, maybe weeks now. It feels hopeless, wretched, ugly.
N calls it me throwing tantrums.
Sometimes I can't breath and sometimes I can't stop the sobbing. I can't sleep and I can't talk. I cannot function and I don;t know what will happen.
I'm so scared, I'm on a tightrope and one word could make him shout and call me things. I cannot speak. I'll fall off. He says I have no spiritual life. I feel dead inside. I would like to be dead. I don't want to live any more.
So high, so low
Things got so much better!
Then so much worse...
I feel no hope. He changed, like it was all just OK, like nothing was ever wrong. I guess he just decided he was over it. He lifted the clouds and the weight went from my shoulders. I felt like I was at the other end of the tunnel and the world was so bright! We hugged, we held each other, we made love, real honest, connecting love.
No more trusting. I know now and I will not forget. At least if he physically hit me I'd have real scars to remind me forever. Of course I'm wrong, I'm often wrong, often at fault. But am I all of those things he calls me?? All I want is to be looked after. Can't I just be scooped up and taken care of. I want to be so far from this, I can't take it.
Lord God, help me not to be so selfish, to only need you and to be strong enough to focus on the hope that I have in you. I need your help. Help me to be strong to be able to give and to serve my husband. I do want that more than to get my way or to get justice. Help me to be a good wife. Help me.
Then so much worse...
I feel no hope. He changed, like it was all just OK, like nothing was ever wrong. I guess he just decided he was over it. He lifted the clouds and the weight went from my shoulders. I felt like I was at the other end of the tunnel and the world was so bright! We hugged, we held each other, we made love, real honest, connecting love.
No more trusting. I know now and I will not forget. At least if he physically hit me I'd have real scars to remind me forever. Of course I'm wrong, I'm often wrong, often at fault. But am I all of those things he calls me?? All I want is to be looked after. Can't I just be scooped up and taken care of. I want to be so far from this, I can't take it.
Lord God, help me not to be so selfish, to only need you and to be strong enough to focus on the hope that I have in you. I need your help. Help me to be strong to be able to give and to serve my husband. I do want that more than to get my way or to get justice. Help me to be a good wife. Help me.
Proverbs 18:22 He who finds a wife finds what is good and receives favor from the LORD.
Learning that I can't prevent it...
I don't want to live in this hell. I want things to be OK again. I will pretend it is all fine, like the last time, until it is.
His love is wonderful, and we can be wonderful, but his love is only available when I'm in my place and behaving. I really try hard to keep my mouth shut. But he takes even innocent things the wrong way, he misunderstands and it's World War Three before I even know what I've done wrong. I can't prevent it.
I'm nervous whenever I speak about anything and I think about every word. But still it doesn't prevent these times.
His love is wonderful, and we can be wonderful, but his love is only available when I'm in my place and behaving. I really try hard to keep my mouth shut. But he takes even innocent things the wrong way, he misunderstands and it's World War Three before I even know what I've done wrong. I can't prevent it.
I'm nervous whenever I speak about anything and I think about every word. But still it doesn't prevent these times.
The day after 3 and a half months married...
N slept in the spare room again.
It feels like there is no love left and it feels so incredibly sad. Like a very bad dream. It's such a jumbled, confusing mess, I never knew love could be so complicated. I thought love conquered all.
Do I do everything out of cruelty and spite? I don't think so, yet I get annoyed and I get frustrated. I feel such a paralysing, overwhelming sadness yet the energy of anger still wells up in me.
I feel like I can never speak my mind, but genuinely I love N more then myself. I really feel it. Is that because I have no self respect? Sometimes it gets to me because I get so little back. I'm so selfish. I should just give & not even think of what I get back.
I really do do things the way I think he wants me to, I really try very, very hard not to annoy him. I really, really, really didn't think he wanted to come to church. I didn't just leave him behind. Really.
I told him that my actions and words are in love and that I would never, ever intentionally annoy or hurt him, I couldn't! It's so sad because he is missing out on all of this endless love I have for him. I want to shower it on him and bath him in the warmth of how much I adore him.
It feels like there is no love left and it feels so incredibly sad. Like a very bad dream. It's such a jumbled, confusing mess, I never knew love could be so complicated. I thought love conquered all.
Do I do everything out of cruelty and spite? I don't think so, yet I get annoyed and I get frustrated. I feel such a paralysing, overwhelming sadness yet the energy of anger still wells up in me.
I feel like I can never speak my mind, but genuinely I love N more then myself. I really feel it. Is that because I have no self respect? Sometimes it gets to me because I get so little back. I'm so selfish. I should just give & not even think of what I get back.
I really do do things the way I think he wants me to, I really try very, very hard not to annoy him. I really, really, really didn't think he wanted to come to church. I didn't just leave him behind. Really.
I told him that my actions and words are in love and that I would never, ever intentionally annoy or hurt him, I couldn't! It's so sad because he is missing out on all of this endless love I have for him. I want to shower it on him and bath him in the warmth of how much I adore him.
3 and a half months married...
It hurts. This week sucks. I do need him. But he is so angry and shouts really loudly if I talk. He did send a text to say sorry for it at one point but when I didn't write back he took it back.
I'm tired and I wish I could sleep. I feel really low.
I miss the amazing, wise, insightful, Godly man that N is somewhere inside.
But I also want to get out of this situation because my heart is completely broken and the only person I feel I can trust with it right now is myself.
I want to hide from him, from my mum, from work, from the girls.
I want to spend time with God and reaffirm that He thinks better of me, that He loves me. I need to feel it. Because in my head I know He does, I teach this, I believe this. But I also feel so wretched and useless and rubbish.
Psalm 119:28: My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Matt 11:28- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
I'm tired and I wish I could sleep. I feel really low.
I miss the amazing, wise, insightful, Godly man that N is somewhere inside.
But I also want to get out of this situation because my heart is completely broken and the only person I feel I can trust with it right now is myself.
I want to hide from him, from my mum, from work, from the girls.
I want to spend time with God and reaffirm that He thinks better of me, that He loves me. I need to feel it. Because in my head I know He does, I teach this, I believe this. But I also feel so wretched and useless and rubbish.
Psalm 119:28: My soul is weary with sorrow; strengthen me according to your word.
Matt 11:28- Come to me, all you who are weary and burdened, and I will give you rest.
The next day...
We went to a local real estate agents yesterday to look for a new place, closer to friends, to work, and proper heating! We were holding hands, whispering and we were in a super place, fully in love
The place was closed so he left a voice message. Then he was looking at the houses for sale in the window and I was walking down the street looking in other windows. It was a quiet day in a small town.
When he caught up something was off, he was unresponsive. But I kept talking happily, hoping that the mood would lift. It did and we went for a walk but I managed to say the wrong thing and I think I offended him. It was a misunderstanding entirely but it went from bad to worse. We were laughing but it was still on his mind. I know that he has low self esteem and feels put down by the world. I can see that in him and try to always build him up. 1 Thes 5:11-Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. He said that I know nothing and clearly have no life experience. He said that I'm ridiculous and small minded. He said I know nothing about the world and I just go to church on Sundays and think I have a clue.
We are both Christians. I grew up with my mother who brought me to church and I decided to trust Jesus when I was little. He made that decision after a difficult life, about five years ago. He is the most Godly man I know. He is amazing and brings light into the life of everyone he meets. He is friendly and bubbly. He loves God and that is what drew me to him in the fist place.
We didn't talk after that and when we got home he slept on the couch and I cleaned the whole house. I asked if he wanted dinner and he asked what I'd make. While I was cooking he put on a microwave meal. I was annoyed but said nothing and put the dinner away for him to have the next day. Then I made some potatoes to go with his meal. Then he went out and came back late.
On Sunday I got up early because he hates it when I make us late for church, which I do sometimes! I guess I was just trying to do whatever I could to appease the situation and not make him any unhappier. But he stayed in bed so I went to church. When I got home he was really annoyed that I'd gone without him. I know he was awake and knew the time. But I just said sorry. His friends had invited us to the cinema so I asked them over for dinner beforehand. I told him and he flipped as I hadn't asked him. I thought it would be fine.
He called me all of the names under the sun and screamed and roared. 10 minutes before they arrived he was still screaming like a mad man. I was cooking and I didn't know what to do. It was too late to cancel. I told him to "pull it together"for his friends, not very nice, I know. He came back when I was dishing up dinner to them and we faked happy families. He slept in the other room after having another go at me. He frightened me. He has never physically hurt me but I was really afraid. I was crying and just lay there.
At 4am I went in to him and asked him to come back to bed with me. I couldn't bear him being in another bed. I hate the distance when we fight, more than anything, more than all of the names. The emotional separation kills me.He came back to bed with me. And he held me.
I think he assumes that I do things on purpose to hurt him. I wish he knew that I never would. It's sad that he can't trust. I wish I could help him to. I wish he could believe that I'm not a "spiteful b*tch, manipulative, conniving, pious, c**t..." I wish he know how much I love him.
His primary love language (www.5lovelanguages.com) is Words of Affirmation but he shruggs them off. I tell him every day how great he is in so many ways. I can't help it, I love him in every language a million times a day because that is my heart desire, he is my hearts desire. I feel like this love must be God given, it is so strong and I hope it never leaves me.
But I do wish I got something back. I also never intended to 'need' him. I know that that's not healthy. But if I didn't 'need' him the emotional separation wouldn't hurt so much. I need to be stronger I guess, but I feel like I am strong & I cope with all of this well. I guess I have a lot to learn...
The place was closed so he left a voice message. Then he was looking at the houses for sale in the window and I was walking down the street looking in other windows. It was a quiet day in a small town.
When he caught up something was off, he was unresponsive. But I kept talking happily, hoping that the mood would lift. It did and we went for a walk but I managed to say the wrong thing and I think I offended him. It was a misunderstanding entirely but it went from bad to worse. We were laughing but it was still on his mind. I know that he has low self esteem and feels put down by the world. I can see that in him and try to always build him up. 1 Thes 5:11-Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing. He said that I know nothing and clearly have no life experience. He said that I'm ridiculous and small minded. He said I know nothing about the world and I just go to church on Sundays and think I have a clue.
We are both Christians. I grew up with my mother who brought me to church and I decided to trust Jesus when I was little. He made that decision after a difficult life, about five years ago. He is the most Godly man I know. He is amazing and brings light into the life of everyone he meets. He is friendly and bubbly. He loves God and that is what drew me to him in the fist place.
We didn't talk after that and when we got home he slept on the couch and I cleaned the whole house. I asked if he wanted dinner and he asked what I'd make. While I was cooking he put on a microwave meal. I was annoyed but said nothing and put the dinner away for him to have the next day. Then I made some potatoes to go with his meal. Then he went out and came back late.
On Sunday I got up early because he hates it when I make us late for church, which I do sometimes! I guess I was just trying to do whatever I could to appease the situation and not make him any unhappier. But he stayed in bed so I went to church. When I got home he was really annoyed that I'd gone without him. I know he was awake and knew the time. But I just said sorry. His friends had invited us to the cinema so I asked them over for dinner beforehand. I told him and he flipped as I hadn't asked him. I thought it would be fine.
He called me all of the names under the sun and screamed and roared. 10 minutes before they arrived he was still screaming like a mad man. I was cooking and I didn't know what to do. It was too late to cancel. I told him to "pull it together"for his friends, not very nice, I know. He came back when I was dishing up dinner to them and we faked happy families. He slept in the other room after having another go at me. He frightened me. He has never physically hurt me but I was really afraid. I was crying and just lay there.
At 4am I went in to him and asked him to come back to bed with me. I couldn't bear him being in another bed. I hate the distance when we fight, more than anything, more than all of the names. The emotional separation kills me.He came back to bed with me. And he held me.
I think he assumes that I do things on purpose to hurt him. I wish he knew that I never would. It's sad that he can't trust. I wish I could help him to. I wish he could believe that I'm not a "spiteful b*tch, manipulative, conniving, pious, c**t..." I wish he know how much I love him.
His primary love language (www.5lovelanguages.com) is Words of Affirmation but he shruggs them off. I tell him every day how great he is in so many ways. I can't help it, I love him in every language a million times a day because that is my heart desire, he is my hearts desire. I feel like this love must be God given, it is so strong and I hope it never leaves me.
But I do wish I got something back. I also never intended to 'need' him. I know that that's not healthy. But if I didn't 'need' him the emotional separation wouldn't hurt so much. I need to be stronger I guess, but I feel like I am strong & I cope with all of this well. I guess I have a lot to learn...
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)