2 months in...

I always want to write when my brain feels like it might explode, but not when I'm at ease and have the time! That might have something to do with why I talk to myself when I'm stressed. You'd think the weird looks would stop me! Ha!
I wish I had written everyday actually, maybe it would have helped me to make sense of everything. But now my brain is all clogged up again.


Over the last 2 months I have been so confused. I felt like I couldn't see the choices or paths or solutions. I just felt despair.
But then choices make themselves clear eventually, don't they. And I have discovered that it you don't pick one, a path will form for you and the choice will make itself, like a river choosing the easiest course.


I could have been honest about my breaking heart. I could have admitted that being called a spiteful cow and told to f-off all the time makes the heart inside me ache day after day.
Or I could have pretended I was fine and smiled. I intended to be honest. But in pretending to be fine in front of everyone, things just seemed to become fine. All beautiful and hand-holding and sweet kisses. That's what time does. And then to bring up the pain would spoil all of the beauty and happiness and the peace that my heart was getting. 
And time also helps me to see my fault in it all, to see that I am no angel.
Matt 7:3 Why do you look at the speck of sawdust in your brother’s eye and pay no attention to the plank in your own eye?

If I'm not smart back at him, if I'm not argumentative and don't over react. If I can KEEP QUIET and act calmly, if I think before I speak, then things won't get ugly again.


Honestly, that feels a little like suppressing myself but I know that my reactions and actions and words need to be suppressed. I'm learning.


I love my husband and he loves God and me.
xx