Back in Black...

Today was beautiful.
I'm not sure where it all went wrong.


I was annoying. I guess that's where. I wanted sex, no surprise there- so I hinted at it, as I do, but N wasn't up for it, no surprise there either. So I was restless and went to check my emails so I wouldn't get too annoying! But N was offended that I didn't stay watching TV with him. He looked sad so I got up and went to hang out with him. But he doubled back and went on the computer. That's when I got annoying! I should have left him alone to be offended and get over it but I mentioned that he had checked his emails for an hour half an hour ago and asked if he was just getting back at me. It went from there. I take responsibility. I shouldn't have started anything.


Tonight he used the words "evil" and "ugly" for the first time.
He left the house. It got so heated, so awful. Maybe the worst yet. I feel like it's all a nightmare. How does it go downhill so fast!? It takes days to build a wall but moments to knock it. I feel like this isn't really happening.

I sat for a while crying and thinking. Then I emailed in sick to work tomorrow.
I've been feeling so off my game, like I'm never really there. They deserve someone so much better. I feel like a waster. I do not feel like I can go in there tomorrow.


I also left a message to see the doctor tomorrow. I thought I had a throat infection all weekend anyway but now my right eye is twitching and my left one is swollen. It all points towards stress again. I hope I can get a few days off. Or something that can help me get through all of this. There must be something I can take.


...I knew it was the right thing to call N on the abuse, but now it's worse than ever.


Biblically, aren't you supposed to bring witnesses when you call someone on something and they don;t listen? But does that apply in marriage? It seems more like betrayal.


I'm going to talk with the wife of the couple who did our pre-marriage course with us. They go to our church and have offered us their support many times. I hope she and our therapist can give me some advice.


I WISH I COULD HOLD HIM TONIGHT. I MISS MY HUSBAND. 
I begged him not to ignore me, I reminded him that he said he's try. But nothing gets through his brick walls.
He says it's my fault. I begged for forgiveness. He says he hates me.