N slept in the spare room again.
It feels like there is no love left and it feels so incredibly sad. Like a very bad dream. It's such a jumbled, confusing mess, I never knew love could be so complicated. I thought love conquered all.
Do I do everything out of cruelty and spite? I don't think so, yet I get annoyed and I get frustrated. I feel such a paralysing, overwhelming sadness yet the energy of anger still wells up in me.
I feel like I can never speak my mind, but genuinely I love N more then myself. I really feel it. Is that because I have no self respect? Sometimes it gets to me because I get so little back. I'm so selfish. I should just give & not even think of what I get back.
I really do do things the way I think he wants me to, I really try very, very hard not to annoy him. I really, really, really didn't think he wanted to come to church. I didn't just leave him behind. Really.
I told him that my actions and words are in love and that I would never, ever intentionally annoy or hurt him, I couldn't! It's so sad because he is missing out on all of this endless love I have for him. I want to shower it on him and bath him in the warmth of how much I adore him.
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