I made it a car journey with no tears. Every day going to and from work I cry. I can't remember the last time I didn't. I never used to cry, I realise now that my life has been happier than I even knew. I cried a couple of times, due to confrontation at work or home. But rarely.
I have stopped listening to music, at all, it makes my cry. Sometimes I listen to Christian worship music. Music hurts, silence hurts, numbness is less painful.
Anyway, I'm not sure I can truly say I believe in God's strength. Or maybe I went to far towards insanity. I have been crying for days, maybe weeks now. It feels hopeless, wretched, ugly.
N calls it me throwing tantrums.
Sometimes I can't breath and sometimes I can't stop the sobbing. I can't sleep and I can't talk. I cannot function and I don;t know what will happen.
I'm so scared, I'm on a tightrope and one word could make him shout and call me things. I cannot speak. I'll fall off. He says I have no spiritual life. I feel dead inside. I would like to be dead. I don't want to live any more.
No comments:
Post a Comment