The next day...

We went to a local real estate agents yesterday to look for a new place, closer to friends, to work, and proper heating! We were holding hands, whispering and we were in a super place, fully in love


The place was closed so he left a voice message. Then he was looking at the houses for sale in the window and I was walking down the street looking in other windows. It was a quiet day in a small town.
When he caught up something was off, he was unresponsive. But I kept talking happily, hoping that the mood would lift. It did and we went for a walk but I managed to say the wrong thing and I think I offended him. It was a misunderstanding entirely but it went from bad to worse. We were laughing but it was still on his mind. I know that he has low self esteem and feels put down by the world. I can see that in him and try to always build him up. 1 Thes 5:11-Therefore encourage one another and build one another up, just as you are doing.  He said that I know nothing and clearly have no life experience. He said that I'm ridiculous and small minded. He said I know nothing about the world and I just go to church on Sundays and think I have a clue.


We are both Christians. I grew up with my mother who brought me to church and I decided to trust Jesus when I was little. He made that decision after a difficult life, about five years ago. He is the most Godly man I know. He is amazing and brings light into the life of everyone he meets. He is friendly and bubbly. He loves God and that is what drew me to him in the fist place.


We didn't talk after that and when we got home he slept on the couch and I cleaned the whole house. I asked if he wanted dinner and he asked what I'd make. While I was cooking he put on a microwave meal. I was annoyed but said nothing and put the dinner away for him to have the next day. Then I made some potatoes to go with his meal. Then he went out and came back late.


On Sunday I got up early because he hates it when I make us late for church, which I do sometimes! I guess I was just trying to do whatever I could to appease the situation and not make him any unhappier. But he stayed in bed so I went to church. When I got home he was really annoyed that I'd gone without him. I know he was awake and knew the time. But I just said sorry. His friends had invited us to the cinema so I asked them over for dinner beforehand. I told him and he flipped as I hadn't asked him. I thought it would be fine.
He called me all of the names under the sun and screamed and roared. 10 minutes before they arrived he was still screaming like a mad man. I was cooking and I didn't know what to do. It was too late to cancel. I told him to "pull it together"for his friends, not very nice, I know. He came back when I was dishing up dinner to them and we faked happy families. He slept in the other room after having another go at me. He frightened me. He has never physically hurt me but I was really afraid. I was crying and just lay there.


At 4am I went in to him and asked him to come back to bed with me. I couldn't bear him being in another bed. I hate the distance when we fight, more than anything, more than all of the names. The emotional separation kills me.He came back to bed with me. And he held me.


I think he assumes that I do things on purpose to hurt him. I wish he knew that I never would. It's sad that he can't trust. I wish I could help him to. I wish he could believe that I'm not a "spiteful b*tch, manipulative, conniving, pious, c**t..." I wish he know how much I love him. 
His primary love language (www.5lovelanguages.com) is Words of Affirmation but he shruggs them off. I tell him every day how great he is in so many ways. I can't help it, I love him in every language a million times a day because that is my heart desire, he is my hearts desire. I feel like this love must be God given, it is so strong and I hope it never leaves me.
But I do wish I got something back. I also never intended to 'need' him. I know that that's not healthy. But if I didn't 'need' him the emotional separation wouldn't hurt so much. I need to be stronger I guess, but I feel like I am strong & I cope with all of this well. I guess I have a lot to learn...