A new time?

So we went to our marriage counsellor and I don't imagine we'll go back. We have explored that avenue and I think we have reached a dead end.


We went holding hands, fought all the way through about tiny things that she asked us to relive. But I kept saying I didn't care about the little things. I will say sorry if I'm wrong or hurtful but it's the blowups that we need to work on. We learned some good stuff though. Most noteably:

IT'S NOT ABOUT "RIGHT" AND "WRONG", IT'S ABOUT LOVING OR NOT LOVING.

And I learned that when Noel shuts down the best thing to do is leave the room. I like that, it gives me something I can DO, that's proactive, something I can focus on and work towards.

She also told us that she thinks we think we love each other, but isn't confined we really do. She recommended putting a time frame on working things through and that if we're still not there we should go our separate ways or we'll never be happy. That's where she lost me. I will never break my promise to both God and my husband that I am in this for better or worse, for life.

Noel walked out at the end and she asked me to stay. She said that if he doesn't stop shutting down this will be a lonely marriage. I wish she'd be honest to both of us. Call him on stuff. But I told her where I stand on marriage and I told her how amazing a couple we are when things are good, how encouraging and supportive we are with one another and how much love there is. But it's ok, she doesn't have to understand us.

When I went out to the car we drove around the corner, held each other, apologised and I cried my eyes out. I told N that I am going no where no matter what. We said sorry for so many things and he promised and promised to try harder. I believe him and I truly believe that he loves me and wants to be a better husband.

He admitted that to him it's all about right & wrong, black & white and self-preservation. He says he wants to change that. And now I have my leave-the-room strategy. Maybe these are new times, maybe not.

Tonight the house is all candlelight and the smells of my beloved cooking me dinner.

I have hope and I am loved.

Under the carpet...

We had a huge fight by text when we were both at work. Not a good idea in theory and it included my crying silently at my desk hiding behind my partition.
But as much as I wanted to ask N not to do this at work, it was easier by text than at home.
It ended at an impasse, as it always does. Me saying I don't hurt him on purpose & I love him. Him saying I'm a horrible b*tch.


So when we got home, and things were an unbearable mess, we did what we do best. Faked it. I made him dinner. He was happy and we talked about work, curled up together and watched a movie.


But he didn't have to. He didn't have to thank me and he didn't have to spend time with me. We genuinely both love each other and it is all os inexplicable. We are going to our marriage counsellor together tonight. I'm nervous because we both like this bit, where we stop fighting for no reason and love each other and although I need this so much I don;t want to bring anything difficult up.


So I'm going to have a read through my posts and formulate some thoughts. 

An encouragement...

S gave this to me last week, as she read it and thought of me. Sometimes it feels like God is speaking right to me and sometimes it feels like that can't be possible. Either way I meant to upload it as an encouragement: Are you thinking of quitting? You believed you could make a difference until they poured criticism and cold water on you. At that point you decided it was easier to adjust your expectations to their opinion and just keep smiling. Don't do it; God has too much invested in you! The comfort zone is for those who are exempt from pain but denied progress; protected from failure but held in the grip of mediocrity. Get up and get out of there while you still can: '...Strengthen the things which remain, that are ready to die...' (Revelation 3:2 NKJV). Open your Bible and begin to fill your mind with God's promises; they're powerful motivators. Pray, believing God for great things. Plug in at church. Rekindle your desire, for ultimately that's what determines your destiny! Jesus suffered the loss of His disciples, His friends, and even His clothes (John 19:23-24). But they couldn't rob Him of '...the joy that was set before him...' (Hebrews 12:2 NKJV). Even while He was dying He continued to minister. Then He went into hell, came out with the lock and keys and announced, 'I am He who lives, and was dead, and behold, I am alive forevermore...' (Revelation 1:18 NKJV). And He is your example! When Gideon fought the Midianites we read that he '...came to the Jordan, he and the three hundred men who were with him crossed over, exhausted but still in pursuit'. Because Gideon refused to let the Jordan River intimidate him, or fatigue stop him, God gave him a great victory! And He will do the same for you.

Not even a year...

I can't believe this is our life.
I can't believe this is our marriage.


It feels like a nightmare. Like nothing can really be this awful. He truly believes that I am hateful and evil and manipulative and out to get him.


If only he knew how much I love him and care about him and respect him. If only he could see my heart. 
I don;t know where to go from here.

New lows...

A friend came back from a long trip abroad and we caught up last night. I didn't mind it getting late because I wanted to get home after N was asleep so we wouldn't fight.


We were both home earlier in the day because neither of us could face work. The only interaction we had was me asking if he was talking to me and him saying no.


When I got home it was after midnight, closer to 1am and he freaked. He had texted to ask if I was coming home and I had said yes. But he freaked that I had stayed out so late. I really didn't want a fight but he was shouting and cold and angry.


And then he went out onto the balcony to smoke. This is a big deal. My husband hasn't smoke in over 10 years. He has bad asthma and hates cigarettes and being around any smoking at all. I was so shocked. I still am. This is a huge cry for help and I told him that. I told him he's better than that. I can't tell if it's more of a self harm thing or him trying to hurt me. He thought when I stayed in the hotel I was getting drunk because I did get drunk once before our wedding when I hit a really low point.


I've no idea what to do now but I a seeing our marriage counsellor on Friday. I am worried.
Honestly, N was an alcoholic. Well, he is I guess but it is over 10 years since he has touched a drink also. I know he has an addictive personality and I know that this one cigarette could be a way bigger issue than it would be if I had one. I don't know why he did this.

An unhappy ending...

So he left the house and all I could think was I cannot stay here any longer. It felt so heavy, so awful. I felt sick and a mess.
I packed a bag. But I knew I could never go. I WILL NEVER LEAVE MY HUSBAND. I made a promise and if he is to believe in how much I love him then he needs to be able to trust me. And that is the biggest hurdle we face everyday already.
I will never let him down like that or even threaten to. It is a step too far.


But the weight of that house, the thoughts of lying in bed when he sleeps in the spare room again was too much. My stomach felt like lead for the 100th time and I COULDN"T TAKE IT.


I left last night for me. I left a long note about how much I love him and know he needs space and know I need to get space. I told him how I wasn't sure I could believe that he loves me. I came to a hotel where I am now. I painted my nails and let the space lighten my head and heart. The view of the sea is glorious but it means nothing when I can't share it with the man I love.


I don't feel much better but he called last night and I told him where I was if he wants me. I told him I love him. He hung up. I feel better being here and knowing that he knows it's temporary and for me, that I would never leave him.


I'm not sure where I go from here but I'm glad I did this.

Morning view

The explosion...

We survived Sunday. Best friends but visibly hurting. Raw and vulnerable.
Sunday night I was sitting staring out the window and he came into our room and said he had done nothing wrong at breakfast. I remember saying OK because I didn't want to fight. I was too sensitive.
So I don't even know how it all went wrong but it went SO VERY WRONG.


We went to watch a movie and I was crying because he had shouted at me. He told me to come over to him and I did but I said something about having feelings, or needing him, or getting to say my side. Either way it was a bad move because he freaked out. At some point I said I'm sick of never getting a turn and that I have feelings too. It was wrong for it all to come out like that and it happens too often in the heat of an argument. He threw things and slammed things and threw my phone at me and told me to get lost. I raised my voice and he screamed. He shouted that he had asked for forgiveness, I shouted that I didn't feel me meant it because he was cold and mean again just 15 mins afterwards and three times since then in the space of the day. I told him I need him and it can't be all one way. He was too far gone, red faced and spilling over with anger. I was scared. He called me smarmy and I called him crazy.


He screamed some more and I said how it feels to have those names on my mind every day, knowing my husband, my greatest support, thinks that's who I am. He took my journal and tore it to shreds. I told him that I write down every positive thing he says and try to remember them. 


He walked out. I cried. It all went so wrong. It all came out so wrong. Did I mean those things about how I feel? Yes. Did he mean what he said? Yes. But it was all so very wrong and our poor neighbours got yet another noisy intrusion.

The breakfast...

Last night, Sunday, was another low point. Another crazy cycle.


N felt I had disrespected him at breakfast and I felt he had disrespected me. As usual, it was both of us but neither of us could see that then!
I told him I was making breakfast while he was in bed. Then I told him it was ready. Then I put everything on the table. Then I called him and said it was on the table. Then I waited. Then I called him and he said not to rush him. So I started. But it bothers me that he never comes for meals when I ask him. It's not a big deal, it just feels disrespectful and his food always gets cold.
When he came in he thanked me and I gave him my egg, finished and left the table. He felt that I was disrespectful and rude. I was, but in my head I was hurt. He called me on it and I explained how I feel about meal times. I hadn't meant to be rude at all and I said I didn't feel I had been, I was giving him my egg to be nice. So he wouldn't talk to me. I asked if we could talk it out as it wasn't a big deal, he shouted that he wasn't talking to me. I was upset. He was rude. The day went on...

Respect...

I've been learning so much about respect and how to truly respect my husband.
I have learned that my respect must be unconditional.
So when he hurts me, I put it away and I serve and respect him. And often that leads to him being able to get to a place where he can apologise and love me. It works and I love when we work.


But I'm starting to feel like am killing who I am. I have been sacrificing myself to care for my husbands emotions. And I love to care for him. I want to protect and to love his heart for ever. I want to be his greatest support and encouragement.
But I have needs. He is loving when he feels respected. But his love is conditional on his feelings. He can have feelings but I cannot because they are disrespectful. I have so many hurts that I have never been allowed to express. 


When things are good we are so happy but we both admitted that we are afraid to bring up things that might rock the boat. We blame each other for this. Truth be told, I love it when he brings things up, I love to know we are both feeling the same way and want things to improve more and more. But it is one sided. I don't get a turn and that is what is killing me. The pain builds up and I can't smile anymore. I want to, I want it all to be better. I found myself Saturday night saying that I want to work through his stuff and help him and make him see how amazing he is. I do want that but that is not my reason for living.
I am privileged to have a purpose in his life. And I LOVE it. But my life has purpose besides that and I want my life back!

Ups, downs & blowouts...

Things have been so great. We have been so in love.
We have had ups and downs these last few weeks but we have been growing closer every day. We have been supporting each other and caring for each other. Our trust has grown.


But then... Saturday night. He spent some time with our pastor on Friday who called him on some stuff, he didn't say what. But Saturday night he said he had never been in love like this and he was sorry for everything he had done to hurt me and for how appalling he had treated me. We both cried and I told him how wonderful he is and how much I love and respect him. I told him that he is strong and brave and godly and that I believe in him no matter what.
He said he didn't feel like that, he felt awful and I told him that he is not always himself but who he is is incredible. I meant it.
But when I tried to share how I've been feeling and how it feels to be called evil and ugly he changed. He wasn't willing for me to have a turn sharing. He wanted my forgiveness but I needed to know he meant it. He said that we all have evil in us so he still stands by everything he has said. He wanted forgiveness for the names but how can I forgive when he still believes that is who I am. And how can he believe that??
I told him I wished I'd said nothing and I held him but he was cold and mean. He hadn't changed and didn't want to. Maybe that is who he is!


All of my hope has been pinned on knowing that he is a better person than he sometimes acts. But now I'm starting to think he isn't that person.