We went holding hands, fought all the way through about tiny things that she asked us to relive. But I kept saying I didn't care about the little things. I will say sorry if I'm wrong or hurtful but it's the blowups that we need to work on. We learned some good stuff though. Most noteably:
IT'S NOT ABOUT "RIGHT" AND "WRONG", IT'S ABOUT LOVING OR NOT LOVING.
And I learned that when Noel shuts down the best thing to do is leave the room. I like that, it gives me something I can DO, that's proactive, something I can focus on and work towards.
She also told us that she thinks we think we love each other, but isn't confined we really do. She recommended putting a time frame on working things through and that if we're still not there we should go our separate ways or we'll never be happy. That's where she lost me. I will never break my promise to both God and my husband that I am in this for better or worse, for life.
Noel walked out at the end and she asked me to stay. She said that if he doesn't stop shutting down this will be a lonely marriage. I wish she'd be honest to both of us. Call him on stuff. But I told her where I stand on marriage and I told her how amazing a couple we are when things are good, how encouraging and supportive we are with one another and how much love there is. But it's ok, she doesn't have to understand us.
When I went out to the car we drove around the corner, held each other, apologised and I cried my eyes out. I told N that I am going no where no matter what. We said sorry for so many things and he promised and promised to try harder. I believe him and I truly believe that he loves me and wants to be a better husband.
He admitted that to him it's all about right & wrong, black & white and self-preservation. He says he wants to change that. And now I have my leave-the-room strategy. Maybe these are new times, maybe not.
Tonight the house is all candlelight and the smells of my beloved cooking me dinner.
I have hope and I am loved.
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