Respect...

I've been learning so much about respect and how to truly respect my husband.
I have learned that my respect must be unconditional.
So when he hurts me, I put it away and I serve and respect him. And often that leads to him being able to get to a place where he can apologise and love me. It works and I love when we work.


But I'm starting to feel like am killing who I am. I have been sacrificing myself to care for my husbands emotions. And I love to care for him. I want to protect and to love his heart for ever. I want to be his greatest support and encouragement.
But I have needs. He is loving when he feels respected. But his love is conditional on his feelings. He can have feelings but I cannot because they are disrespectful. I have so many hurts that I have never been allowed to express. 


When things are good we are so happy but we both admitted that we are afraid to bring up things that might rock the boat. We blame each other for this. Truth be told, I love it when he brings things up, I love to know we are both feeling the same way and want things to improve more and more. But it is one sided. I don't get a turn and that is what is killing me. The pain builds up and I can't smile anymore. I want to, I want it all to be better. I found myself Saturday night saying that I want to work through his stuff and help him and make him see how amazing he is. I do want that but that is not my reason for living.
I am privileged to have a purpose in his life. And I LOVE it. But my life has purpose besides that and I want my life back!