Ups, downs & blowouts...

Things have been so great. We have been so in love.
We have had ups and downs these last few weeks but we have been growing closer every day. We have been supporting each other and caring for each other. Our trust has grown.


But then... Saturday night. He spent some time with our pastor on Friday who called him on some stuff, he didn't say what. But Saturday night he said he had never been in love like this and he was sorry for everything he had done to hurt me and for how appalling he had treated me. We both cried and I told him how wonderful he is and how much I love and respect him. I told him that he is strong and brave and godly and that I believe in him no matter what.
He said he didn't feel like that, he felt awful and I told him that he is not always himself but who he is is incredible. I meant it.
But when I tried to share how I've been feeling and how it feels to be called evil and ugly he changed. He wasn't willing for me to have a turn sharing. He wanted my forgiveness but I needed to know he meant it. He said that we all have evil in us so he still stands by everything he has said. He wanted forgiveness for the names but how can I forgive when he still believes that is who I am. And how can he believe that??
I told him I wished I'd said nothing and I held him but he was cold and mean. He hadn't changed and didn't want to. Maybe that is who he is!


All of my hope has been pinned on knowing that he is a better person than he sometimes acts. But now I'm starting to think he isn't that person.