Update...

It has been a while. 
I haven't been journaling as it doesn't go down well but things have been as usual- up and down.


We have been on holidays, hence the gap. We had such a great time in each other's company, relaxing in the sun, eating & enjoying life. Of course we had our moments but I think we were making extra effort what with being away.
The one big fight we had was when I confused directions and we didn't go where we'd planned to go. When N apologised for freaking out I reminded him that it's not OK to act like that. I didn't quote the "is it loving?" that we learned at our last session but I hope he processed it afterwards. At the time he felt he was right but hopefully he looked back and remembered "it's not about right or wrong, black or white, but is it loving? Or not".


The holiday was a little scary for me, despite being the holiday of a lifetime! 90% was perfect, peaceful, full of love and light. I was scared by the moments when I thought "I don't care", the moments when I could envision a time that my love for my husband fades. I am praying it never never diminishes.


When we got home he met up with our pastor who had asked him how we are getting on a few weeks ago. He told me he felt crowded and intruded on by him asking and he wanted to set him straight and tell him it's none of his business. Of course the last time I met with S she said she's be advising our pastor to check in with N and I said I appreciated it. We are grateful for people that care about us.
Afterwards I asked him if he wanted to talk about it and he asked me what I thought. I said I guessed it was nice that he cared. I could tell he was still a bit worked up, inside himself, I was lying with him and his heart was beating so fast. After a while he said he was asked if I was afraid of him, likeI seemed like I was once. I said I couldn't remember and he told me he never wants me to be. I cried. I didn't say I was because I didn't want to fight, but he held me. I could feel it in him that he was really hurt... by himself. Like he had never thought of that before. I've told him in the past but I know he thought I was being ridiculous. It really helped. We really connected. 


I had been praying a few minutes beforehand and it was like an immediate answer. God is so good. Our greatest moments of connection and change have come with prayer. Praise the Lord.


I am loved.